Tuesday, May 01, 2012

The most compelling thing in my life...

This is something only a few have known about me. In this one small mental universe among many - the biggest concern on my mind is finding an understanding of God that makes sense. 

One of the reasons I paint, as I see creation all around me and inside me, is just to create something beautiful and tangible, and not have just a lot of crazy ideas floating around in my mind that often result in false connections for my understanding to reach goals, or  having a spiritual philosophy to live by. I feel at 'home' when I am painting, so I paint.

Baptized Catholic and yet really never quite grasped the whole concept of God and what that means except that he was scary. Even with an almost unwavering faith that God exists, I couldn't quite get it.

Die for me? Why isn't there another way for me to be better at life? There has to be a better way! Father? Son? Holy Spirit? What about Creator? This curiosity took me many directions with visits to many organized religions including Judaism, Buddhism, and forms of Christianity. Seems all good, but missing something I couldn't identify. I was even married to an atheist for awhile and that didn't work very well spiritually.

Now, after all those years of searching, while watching an art video about painting, a book by Helen Keller - The Light in My Darkness is mentioned in passing, and for some inexplicable reason I decide I must read this book. She writes about Emanuel Swedenborg and the True Christian Religion. A blind, deaf woman who is more clearly able to see the spiritual world better than I with healthy eyes and ears. So I began to read small bits about this Swedenborg teaching.

I have only begun to learn about this philosophy, but I'm hooked on some fascinating reading with ideas and concepts that calm my scattered mind. A way to understand the Bible that will make it relevant to me. I can't say for sure if anything will stick, but I look forward to the discovery.

In the future, I'm likely to make a few more entries on this topic and see how it might connect to my love of painting since the painting directed my discovery to the Swedenborg writings.

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